My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
