Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I skipped work to stalk him.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
