Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize