All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Randomize
