There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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