Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
