me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
