I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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