well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
