ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
