On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I need a burrito and a hug.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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