Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
