I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
