I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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