Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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