omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
