Me too!
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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