I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
