If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
