We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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