Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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