true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
