8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
