you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
