Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
