But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
