remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
