When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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