I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
