You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
