I just pynch a tree in the face
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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