I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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