fuck your aforementioned shoe
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
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