I need help removing her.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
well you can't waste a boner
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
