so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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