If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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