I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
