I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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