wanna go halves on a baby?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
