I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
