I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
