So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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