Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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