Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
