my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
