dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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