I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
how do flat chested girls get laid?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
