Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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