Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
