so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i already hear my dad disowning me
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
